On July 27, 2013 Trish Kraus posted a facebook message that included a link to a youtube video entitled "I am not the ineffective communicator here..." I agree, she communicated with chilling effectiveness. I've done my best to transcribe the audio into written form. I am not going to add any commentary, but I feel it's really important to share Trish's own voice and consider the environment that no doubt largely contributed to her mental health. -OReader
Where do we go from here? I
have always been the person that has accepted change with ease, with the exception
our relationship. The die has been cast moving forward. It is difficult to
follow which road to turn on to in our life's journey. We have always moved
forward - always focused on looking back at where we are now where we have
been. We are completely detached from one another emotionally, mentally, and
physically. Where does this lead us?
By all means, it is not your
fault. I place 100% of the blame on myself. I am sure you would agree with me
on this one. Perhaps I have designed my life to fail, or even set myself up for
failure. And, I suppose it is also my fault for your failures. Emotionally we don't connect. We get by for
the sake of getting by. It is something we have slowly grown accustomed with.
Perhaps our platonic comfort is part of the problem. I can't say that we've
grown apart because we don't know what that is. I guess after spending 35 years
with someone, is this normal? For us, yes, our only answer. Sad, in ways, I
suppose. On the other hand, is it pathetic? I guess we lean toward the comforts
of not being alone. This is too difficult for us along this tipping point.
I reluctantly admit, as you know, that we have
been at this crossroad before. I know our current situation will not sustain
going forward due to my prior crossroad. Was it cancer that kept us together?
Your sympathy for me being sick and me as one epic failure as a partner to you
- but is it my fault? I don't think either of us have the skill set to
determine that, and most likely never will. Mentally, we have been detached for
years. In our long-term relationship, we attempt to blend into one, which is
what we're supposed to do I guess. Whether either one of us want to admit it,
it is who we are. We have common interests, friends, but not our dispositions.
I know that I am the person to blame for everything because it has always
worked out best this way. You have always supported me in my too many epic
failures while reaching for the brass ring, as I for you in the early days of
being a business owner.
Where does this leave us
today? I think neither of us knows. It's odd how our children are getting to
that place while we are getting further and further away from it. This sucks
for both of us, big time. Can the deck be reshuffled and stamped in our favor
again? I don't know, and I'm sure you don't either. Physically the disconnect
has been there for too many years to count. I know physically it will be four
years in October. Yes, I have been counting. I am sure you have been too. It
has been twice in seven years, maybe three. Totally, almost ten years we are
fooling ourselves if we consider this a successful relationship, on so many
levels. I would consider my hysterectomy and the removal of the cervix as a
huger complication to an already tarnished physical relationship. However, it
was long before which even complicated it even further, maybe even was the last
straw for you.
I don't have to tell you
that I have always tried to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I've came to the
realization that it just does not fit. I will never stop smoking being so
closely connected to so many smokers. I guess I'm okay with that. I get the
sense as if we both can't die fast enough in an effort to just end our misery.
Yes, I did say both. Perhaps my spirit has been the biggest demon of my life
that has affected yours as well. We can't say we've grown apart because we have
never been apart.
To answer the thoughts going
round in your head, no, there isn't someone or something else. We have a huge
disconnect that I don't think either of us know how to correct, or anyone else for
that matter. You will always be successful and have security. You are very
capable of finding undamaged goods, unlike myself. Perhaps I've just held you
back from finding that person - someone that has job stability, looks, pension,
and a comfortable financial situation. That is something that I have never been
able to provide to you or our family. I do have to say we have designed our
lives this way. As a result, there is great uncertainty in my future. Finding
someone is just not an option. The last thing I would want to do is fuck
someone's life up as much as I have yours.
The pain of you providing someone else with these emotional, physical,
and mental comforts is something that I cannot bear because we have been
without the basic needs for so long.
I was writing this in hopes
to find the answer to these burning issues that are only getting worse. We have
been missing these three basic needs for so long makes me feel that we are
destined to fail. Having these basic human needs taken away slowly only brings
me to one conclusion. Where do we go from here? Because mentally, physically,
and now ending the emotional need, we are two people living the same life in
completely different parallels. Where do we go from here? Sigh. We both know we love each other but know it
is a different kind of love that we have just got comfortable with. I am lost.
You are the greatest man I will ever know in my life hands down. No one can
take that away from either of us. Perhaps you may want and can settle in as a
spectator. This could be a bumpy right which is OK due to our past history of
being detached in a long-term relationship. With our complete lack of the basic
elements of the human need. I really do not know where life is going to take
me. But in the same sense is it the same disconnect and has lead me to where I
am now by not really fulfilling my own basic need, but substituting it
vicariously by fulfilling others we have never been able to talk about what is
in my heart and soul. Perhaps because there is too much pain that has been
inside. As I said, I am damaged goods, now only really now realizing as I write
this, feeling now that I have put into words, something that I have been unable
to for so long is one of the hardest things in my life. We are at the tipping point but must move
forward. Perhaps I should go kicking and screaming to God's country out West to
find what is that life has in store for you, our future, and me.
