By NBTDT (Title by Tim Field Foundation)
The beginning purpose of this blog was to give people interested in the activities of an on-line bully a place to sort out fact from fiction through factual discussion of related events and sharing opinions. Over time our cause evolved into discussion to find the truth about other on-line personalities that claim their activities serve the public’s interest and the greater good. In searching for the truth, it is necessary to voice your own and consider the opinions of other people. An opinion is defined as:
1. A belief or conclusion held with confidence but not substantiated by positive knowledge or proof
2. A judgment based on special knowledge or given by an expert
3. A judgment or estimation of the merit of a person or thing
4. The prevailing view, i.e. public opinion.
5. Law A formal statement by a court or other adjudicative body of the legal reasons and principles for the conclusions of the court.
Those contributors that are interested in nothing but the truth of a matter always separate fact from opinion and always support their facts and the basis for their opinions. As always happens when there is more than one person involved in anything, differences of opinion arise. The ability to handle an opinion different than our own is necessary for finding the truth and for personal growth. Contributors interested in the truth and personal growth can be identified by these behaviors in addressing differences:
· Stays focused on the issue, not the other person
· Keeps an open mind, seeks to understand different views
· Never says the other person is wrong based on his/her personal perspective
· Seeks a way to learn from the difference
· Avoids arrogance and stubbornness
· Thinks critically and re-thinks a position
· Patience, makes it easy for the other person to re-think position
· Respects the other person, leaves emotion (especially anger) out of it
· If there cannot be agreement, parties agree to disagree then walk away from the topic
Those contributors that can manage different opinions do so and have become valuable members of this group. Contributors and personalities we’ve followed that cannot support their statements and/or lack ability to manage different opinions resort to bullying. The bullies will not recognize themselves in the information provided below. The information is to assist potential victims in recognizing bullying tactics so that a bully can be spotted more quickly and engagement avoided more easily.
The Tim Field Foundation published a paper in which one of the rules of dealing with bullies is to understand why people bully. According to an article in “Yourself Series”, there are 4 basic reasons why people cyber-bully:
1) Revenge. In this case, people who bully feel they are righting wrongs or protecting other people. Usually these people do not see themselves as bullies.
2) Power. In this case, people who bully are trying to show others how powerful they are. They want to make others do what they want and have control over them. They want others to be fearful of them.
3) Entertainment. Sadly, some people find bullying others entertaining. They think embarrassing others is funny. Usually these people Cyber-bully in groups, such as at a slumber party, or on a sports team outing. Having an audience is part of what makes this type of Cyber-bully fun.
4) Stupidity. Did we really just write that? Stupidity in this case means being unaware of your actions. Bullies in this category just respond to emails and postings without thinking, and thus, often inadvertently hurt other people. They click before they think.
Next it’s important to identify common traits and behaviors of a cyber-bully, which according to the Tim Field Foundation, are:
1. Jekyll & Hyde personality:
-charming with peers and superiors, vicious and vindictive in private and to victims
-possessed of an exceptional verbal facility and will out maneuver most people in verbal interaction, especially at times of conflict
-unusually skilled in being able to anticipate what people want to hear and then saying it plausibly cannot be trusted or relied upon
-highly manipulative, especially of people's perceptions and emotions (eg guilt)
-often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic attention-seeking need to portray themselves as a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate person, in contrast to their behavior and treatment of others; the bully sees nothing wrong with their
2. Exploits the trust and needs of organizations and individuals, for personal gain
-self-opinionated and displays arrogance, audacity, a superior sense of entitlement and sense of invulnerability and untouchability
-take risks that others would regard as foolhardy
-often act out of gratification and self-interest only
-As leaders they are autocratic and dictatorial. Most of their actions, most of the time, are dictated by self-interest, self-aggrandizement and self-preservation
-If crossed or unwittingly criticized, bullies can hold grudges for long periods and act on them late
-behavior and chooses to remain oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen and how they are seen by others
-has a deep-seated contempt of clients in contrast to his or her professed compassion
-is a control freak and has a compulsive need to control everyone and everything you say, do, think and believe; for example, will launch an immediate personal attack attempting to restrict what you are permitted to say if you start talking knowledgeably about psychopathic personality or antisocial personality disorder in their presence - but aggressively maintains the right to talk (usually unknowledgeable) about anything they choose
3. Convincing Liar
-Makes up anything to fit their needs at that moment; excels at deception and should never be underestimated in their capacity to deceive
-using gossip, back-stabbing and falsehood to undermine and discredit targets and others
-Background checks may reveal that their qualifications, experience, titles, entitlements or affiliations are ambiguous, misleading, or false.
-distorting, twisting and fabricating criticisms and allegations to justify implementing a disciplinary procedure
-criticize someone for doing something, and then do it themselves
4. Damages the health and reputations of organizations and individuals
-holds deep prejudices (eg against the opposite gender, people of a different sexual orientation, other cultures and religious beliefs, foreigners, etc)
-Serial bullies detest anyone more competent or popular than themselves, serial bullies despise anyone who enables others to see through their deception and their mask of sanity
-undermines and destroys anyone who the bully perceives to be an adversary, a potential threat, or who can see through the bully's mask
-is adept at creating conflict between those who would otherwise collate incriminating information about them
-A serial bully will not consider any boundaries when it comes to attacking his target. If the target does not bend to the serial bully’s will, the serial bully will go after others who matter to the target including the target’s children. When this happens, the serial bully sees nothing wrong with his or her behavior
-where a serial bully sees opportunity for himself or herself, he or she capitalizes on issues in order to gain attention for himself or herself. In other words, the serial bully thoroughly enjoys exploiting others’ misadventures, suffering and/or grief as a vehicle for personal gain. Examples would be misappropriating Twitter hashtags to attack someone the serial bully has targeted for cyber mobbing.
-provoking a target into giving an emotional or irrational response, and then seizing on it as evidence of the target's impropriety
5. Reacts to criticism with Denial, Retaliation, Feigned Victimhood
-refuses to be specific and never gives a straight answer
-is evasive and has a Houdini-like ability to escape accountability, when called to account, immediately and aggressively denies everything, then counter-attacks with distorted or fabricated criticisms and allegations; if this is insufficient, quickly feigns victimhood,
-may pursue a vindictive vendetta against anyone who dares to hold them accountable, perhaps using others' resources to attack his target, and will be contemptuous of the damage caused to other people and organizations in pursuance of the vendetta
-sometimes displays a seemingly limitless demonic energy especially when engaged in attention-seeking activities or evasion of accountability
-Those with average or below average verbal skills will still attempt to get out of trouble by lying or deliberately missing the point
6. Blames Victims
-When something goes wrong, the bully will instinctively blame someone else before accepting responsibility.
-Bullies will make (or persuade others to make) decisions that are extremely damaging to other people, without the slightest concern for the effects of the damage on the person affected; any damage incurred is the fault of the target who would not yield to the serial bully’s demands
Common Intellectual traits are:
-is emotionally retarded with an arrested level of emotional development; whilst language and intellect may appear to be that of an adult, the bully displays the emotional age of a five-year-old
-exhibits unusual and inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters, sexual behavior and bodily functions
-Some have been described as being like a real life "Walter Mitty" (an ineffectual person who indulges in fantastic daydreams of personal triumphs)
-loudly profess some religious belief or affiliation, but have none of the requisite qualities of a believer or affiliate
-The bully may be unable to maintain confidentiality, but breaches it with misrepresentation, distortion and fabrication
-They are emotionally untrustworthy
-Their writing style may be disjointed, lacking flow and consistency, tending to be filled with contradictory statements.
-They seem unaware that listeners do not all appreciate lies, ridiculous propositions, tasteless comments, malicious gossip and sick jokes that come out in the process
-typically have poor interpersonal and social skills, and miss even the most obvious social cues
-Important and urgent tasks can be jeopardized while the bully fusses - and forces others to fuss - over trivia.
Introvert Bullies, the most dangerous types:
They tend to sit in the background and recruit others to do the bullying for them. Become alert to provocation. It could be called "The Baiting Game". A provocative comment is made and those who respond spontaneously in irritation (eg non-assertively) are then encouraged to engage in conflict with those who respond without irritation (eg assertively). The provoker watches, waits and stirs the pot with the occasional additional provocation.
Ok, now that we know why and how a bully behaves, how do we avoid them and what do we do about them to preserve our right to peace in discussing relevant events and issues?
The number one rule is: don't respond, don't interact and don't engage. It's a natural response to want to defend yourself, and to put the person right. However, never argue with a serial bully; it's not a mature adult discussion, but like dealing with a child or immature teenager; whilst the serial bully may be an adult on the outside, on the inside they are like a child who's never grown up - and probably never will. Serial bullies and harassers often have disordered thinking patterns and do not share the same thoughts or values as you.
The sixth rule in Mr. Field’s list is the second on mine. Become an observer. Although you may be the target of the cyber-bully's anger, you can train yourself to act as an observer. This takes you out of the firing line and enables you to study the perpetrator and collect evidence (keep copies of all e-mail and posts). When people use bullying behaviors they project their own weaknesses, failings and shortcomings on to others. In other words, they are telling you about themselves by fabricating an accusation based on something they themselves have done wrong. Whenever you receive a flame mail or hate mail, train yourself to instinctively ask the question, "What is this person revealing about themselves this time?"
And finally, the lesson Bill Windsor should have learned: Sometimes refusing to respond and engage will result in the cyberbully losing interest and going off to find someone easier to torment. Sometimes though, especially if there has been interaction in the past, the cyberbully is so obsessed that s/he cannot and will not let go. You will have to make that person let go, but only through swift, hard, legal action, and only when the time is right. Don't deal with the abuser yourself (this encourages bullies and stalkers), use a third party such as a solicitor.
http://bullyonline.org/workbully/serial_character.htm
http://yourselfseries.com/teens/topic/cyberbullying/reasons-people-cyber-bully
